Saturday, June 7th, 2003

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10:36 pm

Malcontent misanthropes

Argue for the fate of humanity;

Such lies,

Prerecored similes,

And dead analogies

Slit their lips;

Their poisonous outcropings

Jut into the air

Snatching up the by-standers.

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1:06 am

I'm starting to see that everything is falling apart.

Note to self: Buy super-glue.

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Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003

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8:07 pm

So much pain these eyes have seen...

Too much pain.

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Monday, June 2nd, 2003

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3:51 pm

Then the skies parted, and the son of christ came from them and said,

"Fuck you all."

...Thank you, Jesus...

You've fooled a milenia into believing they will be save.

Then, you'll be waiting for them in hell, like a bang flag shooting out of a fake gun.

I believe the end of the world will be on April Fool's day.

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3:45 pm

I don't care how much you thinks it helps.

Never touch me again.

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Sunday, June 1st, 2003

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11:26 pm

Dreaming of you is like letting yourself be hit voluntarily.

You know it's going to hurt,

But you just don't want to stop feeling it.

Whose the masochist now, eh?

"The bitter insight through a bloodied gaze"

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Saturday, May 31st, 2003

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8:55 pm

...If you ever see me drinking, hit me in the face...

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Thursday, May 29th, 2003

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11:16 pm

I'm a jukebox hero.

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Monday, May 26th, 2003

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8:36 pm

We can only hope that someone with find the cure to humanity.

Burn them alive while no one's looking, then make them ignore it from the shame of not paying attention.

And you know?

"No one cared about the Armeanians, who's is going to [care] for the Jews?"

...Humanity's biggest mistake was to hold faith in their own race...

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8:11 pm

And today, the world accepted studdering because Scatman John rules with an iron fist.

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6:53 am

...I just spent, god knows how long, putting three fully-poseable figures in a sexual position...

And I'm about to go buy another set of these things....

Gods, boredom...the silent killer...

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Sunday, May 25th, 2003

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12:47 am

...Just a self-loathing, self-absorded, insecure sadist with an uncommon and cynical view on existence and humanity...

Why do I sound like a sunday night sitcom?

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Saturday, May 24th, 2003

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10:56 pm

"I agree that you can say anything you want, but then you must agree with me that I can shoot you for saying it." ~Lenin

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Sunday, May 18th, 2003

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8:59 am

...Feeling the gentle brush stroke against me...

...Clinging to myself because that is all that is left...

...Fading back into the background with a bitter smile...

...Waiting to as I am whited-out of existence...

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Wednesday, May 14th, 2003

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10:23 pm

To cling,

To grasp,

To hope,

To falter,

To slip,

To loosen,

To give up,

To part,

To fall,

To plummet,

To cry,

To hit,

To sink,

To breathe,

To die.

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9:44 pm

Please, someone rip my eyes out.

At least, I won't need to blink anymore.

Yay, the silver lining!

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4:14 pm

One toke over the line, sweet jesus, one more toke over the line.

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Monday, May 12th, 2003

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9:37 pm

...I'm drowning, but that's ok...

...Don't help...

...I want it this way...

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Monday, May 5th, 2003

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9:49 pm

Peaceful meditation over a porceline bowl.

Spitting my life force away.

Throwing up blood wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be.

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Sunday, May 4th, 2003

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8:10 pm

When you sleep off a hang-over, you just feel so freshed afterwards.

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Saturday, May 3rd, 2003

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9:57 pm

Another kick to the face.

At least, you know that you can swallow a pint of blood before getting sick.

This blows...

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Thursday, May 1st, 2003

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11:10 pm

...It's the lack of the dream that keeps me going now...

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10:54 pm

In the grand scheme, we are just fleas being popped in a used, strawberry jam tin.

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Tuesday, April 29th, 2003

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9:32 pm

What could you say to the,

Most beautiful gift in the world,

To make those precious words,

Flow from her mouth again?

That intrigued you;

That made you smile;

That gave you that reason,

To have dreamless spells.

That made you think twice about

Curling into the corner

To die alone.

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Saturday, April 26th, 2003

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7:58 pm

Why can't love be more like hatred.

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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003

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9:55 pm

...I'm always ok, don't you know that?...

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Monday, April 21st, 2003

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12:11 am

...Just take another hit of LSD and let all the love in all the world come to you...

...I saw your child today...

...She was a beautiful as she could be...

...Seraphim cheeks and sapphire eyes...

...I felt at peace...

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Friday, April 11th, 2003

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9:37 pm

...Where are you when you have to force yourself to eat...?

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7:57 pm

...Fuck this town...

...And all the people in it...

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Wednesday, April 9th, 2003

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10:55 pm

My eyes can't seem to focus on anything.

When you have insomnia, nothing seems to be real.

Everything is just...far away.

Everything is out of reach.

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Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

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10:54 pm

...Let me be your guardian angel...

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Monday, April 7th, 2003

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12:02 am - ...Blue Grass...

The sky used to be green, but then some catastrophe occurred and the sky fell into the world. This made the brown grass...green.

...I wonder if the grass will be blue in my lifetime...

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Sunday, April 6th, 2003

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12:02 am - ...The World is Dying...

�The world is dying, didn�t you know?� was the venomous reply.

Gavin had asked a stupid question, so he deserved a ridiculous reply. At that moment, his mind pushed off from the ephemeral dock of reality. The stuff was good, he had to admit, but there was no compensating for what he was feeling that day. Imaginary pain seemed to course through his body just as fast as the chemical did. Unnatural calm paralyzed him and allowed him to behold the bewildering sight. In his eyes, the world�s aura collapsed. In his ears, he could hear the screams. In his mouth, he could taste the blood. The invisible boatman that guided his mind to safety, to the other end of the river of drug abuse, must have died, and turbulent waves rocked his consciousness, jarring what little coherency that remained. The vision gently faded away as easily as they came, and he passed out.

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The backyard ambeyance of the alley was marred a bit; as our unconventional hero regained all the wavering consciousness he could muster. Loosing consciousness wasn�t his idea of a nice night, but what was? Gavin was a junkie, nothing more, and yet, nothing less, and another night sleeping in an alley wouldn�t change that. All he could hope was that what little money he had was still shoved safely into his socks, and he had all of his limbs. Check and check. In this era and in this neighborhood, the all-around thought, which passed through people�s minds when they saw a person passed out in an alley, was to leave the poor bastard alone and hope he dies before he wakes up. There wasn�t quite a shortage of people like him, and, being the lowest rung of the lifestyle ladder, no one cared if a few showed up missing.

�Ah, another fabulous day in the neighborhood,� was muttered as the fallen�s arms spread wide to the blue-gray sky. Around here, optimism was the driving force of most people that could afford it, and another waking day in this hell-hole was always a fabulous day. Deep wells of sleep-deprivation took in the familiar environment of the back alley, which he spent most of his nights, or days. It was always the same, dark stains littered building walls and the concrete pathways, and the same bundles of sullied cloth that marked the other forms of humanity that took residence on his street. The buildings that surrounded the street were tall, and kept the alley in the shade and in reclusion, when it was needed.

�Another fabulous day,� was repeated, more in spite than to reaffirm his previous comment, �and now its time to get some breakfast.� The ladder was more muddled as an afterthought. The weather tried to be good to our scorned hero today; the sun shone bright, but there was an underlying wind that cut threw flesh and chilled the bone; it was a common fall day in the city, nothing too surprising. Worn Converse sneakers brought Gavin to his feet and sent him out to search for much-required sustenance.

�Hm, so what shall we dine on today?� It wasn�t a question. He already knew what he would eat; it was what he ate everyday. Soup. Not that it was bad, it was quite tasty. Though the people of the city didn�t care for the homeless, they tended to keep their homeless, at least, content in this city, or that�s what Gavin thought. Dried lips curled into a smile at his misfortune, and nervous hands darted into his torn overcoat, which was his only protection from the elements. That morning, Gavin was a bit too strung-out then he would have liked. Last night or the parts he could remember, shook him up pretty badly. The memory of what he saw was burned into his mind and scar tissue screamed at him, but then again what could he do about it. Childhood precautions forced him to glance up and down the street that intersected the alley before he crossed. The local soup kitchen was on one of the corners of Destiny�s Crossing, the intersection between heaven and hell as far as he was concerned. The paths that traveled north and east led to salvation, and also somewhere that Gavin couldn�t travel. Profiling and corrupt police officials made the journey a dangerous one. Being on the streets was a punishment, but being in a cell was damnation. The opposite paths of the crossing, the ones to the south and west, led back into the heart of Hell�s Kitchen, �A bloody common name for the bad parts of cities,� Gavin would always say. Too much conformation, A thought that sickened his stomach. The soup kitchen was more of a weigh station, separating Destiny�s Crossing. It was a semi-large structure with over-sized windows revealing the promised roads to the condemned. A horrible kind of torture entwined in a horrible kind of hope. Hope for more than what they could have, and hope for what they could achieve.

Squeaking steps kept him in stride, which allowed his mind to wander a bit. The hero�s shaking hands restlessly fondled a cardboard pack that contained tiny, life-giving gods and the tool for their systematic destruction. Hind�s blood, it wasn�t, but the translucent-pink lighter did the trick. The dry gravel steps he took seemed to echo in his skull and his hunger returned. Nicotine couldn�t fill him, but it could always tide him over. Calloused fingers grasped at the endangered beings in the box and plucked one from its habitat. It transferred from shaking hands to creaking lips, trapped in the clutches of blood-stained tiers. The lighter followed and with one zip the god was set ablaze. Inhale. Exhale. That sublimed death suited him for now, but not for long.

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The general atmosphere of the intersection of Main and 5th was more cheery then the alleys that formed a concrete web around it. The buildings weren�t so imposing around the circle intersection, and the sun shone magnificently, almost blinding the eyes. In the center of the same circle of road that made the crossing, were a small park and a commemorative fountain adorning its center, the eye of the storm? Benches and shaded pathways littered the lush grasses of the park, which was ironically names Beacon Park; a beacon for the citizens and an example of how life should be. Transparent tensions rose from the ground of the park, like weeds. Constricting the beauty and killing the plants. There was a perpetual unseen hatred that flowed through the people and things, prejudice that was blind to skin color and creed, but focused on social standings. Some called it the perfect mentality, but nothing was ever perfect. More recently, the park had been the sleeping quarters for the more rebellious squatters of the city, mostly the spoiled, neo-punk, anarchist pricks that actually had a warm bed somewhere else. These kinds of people wanted to show their distaste for the system and show society that they could do without the �system� until the system arrested them. Cynthia didn�t follow this certain belief, but just like a gang, they were a group of people that could watch your back, and she did quite like the park. Sapphire blue tendrils drifted out of an old army jacket that she had thrown over her the night previous, using it as a crude blanket. The nights in the park, were relatively peaceful, yet not as reclusive as her tall, gloomy counterpart�s part of town, and she, being a social butterfly at times, liked the company of other humans every once in a while. The dormant jacket was jabbed, the blow hitting right in her ribs and it made her jump from the feeble attempts of sleep she tried to make. Delicate digits ran over the pain in her ribs and complimenting blue eyes gazed up at her perpetrator, as she made an attempt to sit up.

�Hello, sweetie,� honeyed tones rolled off her velvet tongue with ease. She picked up the proficiency from conning her �mummy� and �daddy� out of more money every month.

�Don�t you �Hello, sweetie� me,� Gavin snapped playfully in retort. Another teasing jab fell in one of Cynthia�s more ticklish spots, �I�ve caught on to your little games, you know.�

A small squeak leapt from her lithe form. Soft and gentle hands trying to bat away the attacks, �Yes, yes, I know, but that doesn�t stop me from trying,� thin lips caressing the reply back to him, her eyes noted the low position of the hanging sun absently.

�What time is it? Why did you wake me up so early?�

�I thought you could use something to eat, and I could sure use the company. Anyway, you know patrollers will be all over this place in the morning, I�ve heard from Teddy that there�s been another stabbing around the northern end, near Heaven, and you know how the coppers love to interrogate pretty, young things like you.� Sarcastically put, but it did hold some truth to it, and that worried him.

�I can take care of myself, you know that,� Thin brows bobbed up and down at her pale companion and a star-burst pattern eyelash batted down into a wink. There wasn�t any use in worrying Gavin more, but to try to assure him that she was fine.

�Well, she-hulk, get your jacket on,� his hands grabbing at the jacket and throwing it over her head deftly, �We have a ways to go to get to Bubba�s. I still don�t understand why you sleep so Heaven-ward in the park and not closer to Dawb�s side, or at least near Grieg�s fountain. It�s a real pain in the ass to come get you every morning.� Turning away from her bench and Conversed feet slid towards the fountain and Grieg-ward.

�I like it here, and I don�t care how near to Heaven I get,� That same velvet tongue shot out at him, just to get a taste of her worn coat getting thrown at her. Slipping the extra-large coat over her extra-small frame, she ran after him. Upon reaching his side, her arm instinctively sliding around his crooked elbow and her head slid onto his, reveling in the warmth and comfort. As in most every situation, the buddy system always applied. Being alone was relatively safe, but being in pairs was safe, and above all, if people thought you were involved, you were safest of all. Honor. Twisted samurai in Converse shoes and over-sized army jackets that tried to scrape along the bottom rung.

-------------------------------

...A story I started to write...

Read it, tell me what you think.

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Tuesday, March 25th, 2003

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1:33 pm - Requiem for a Dream

...Why does that movie make me love you even more...?

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003

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7:19 pm - ...You...

I still keep that polaroid with me....I don't know why anymore.

...My addiction never kept me this enthralled...

...Why must you...?

current mood: confused

(1 comment | comment on this)

Sunday, March 9th, 2003

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11:31 pm

I don't know if its a good or bad thing, if I can listen to the songs we used to share, and no be able to remember you without trying.

I just know I'll never be over you.

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10:59 pm - ...Curplunk...

Just because I walk around in the snow, without shoes on, doesn't give you the right to call me a hobbit.

Though, you have to give them credit for their leaf.

...It's quite tastey...

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Tuesday, February 11th, 2003

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2:29 pm

...I have to wash all this filth away...

No one likes the smell of a rotting soul.

current mood: angry

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Wednesday, February 5th, 2003

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5:37 pm - ............

...If I ever had the chance, I would take all your pain away...

current mood: depressed

current music: Mason Jennings-Ballad for my One True Love

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Tuesday, January 28th, 2003

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10:03 pm

...I've felt darkness...,

...Closing in on me...,

...Chilling shadows...,

...Surrounding me...,

...I've had the poison leak...,

...Into my skin and it...,

...Corroded my heart away...,

...Bled away...,

...Cut away...,

...Dark night of my soul...,

...Dark night of my soul...

Every time those words go through my head, they always get more clear.

I don't think I could ever forget you now, green eyes.

current mood: sick

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Monday, January 27th, 2003

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10:28 pm

I don't even think you read this anymore, but:

No matter how angry I am at you, right now.

No matter how much I think you don't care.

No matter how much I get used by you.

I still can't stop loving you.

I still can't stop trying to protect you...,

And I still can't stop being angry at you.

Jesus Christ,

...this needs to stop...

current mood: aggravated

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2:10 am

...Fuck all of you...

Gods, I need a cigarette.

(comment on this)

Thursday, January 23rd, 2003

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10:44 pm

We can all pretend it's just strawberry syrup, and that it won't hurt me if we drain it out of my body.

I'll bring the bucket if you bring the knife.

We'll make a party out of it.

current mood: ...Anything but caring...

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Monday, January 20th, 2003

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2:04 pm

So many thing happen while we sleep...

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Saturday, December 28th, 2002

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12:48 am

I'm trying to find my way, the best way I know how, with cigarettes and steering wheel. And if I should fall to the bottom of the end, I'll still be one step closer to you.

Try to be transparent for a while.

We'll all see if you're human after all.

We all seem like we've got it all figured out.

Let me be the first to say, "I don't have a clue."

current mood: ...just like you...

current music: Oasis-Wonderwall

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Thursday, December 19th, 2002

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6:08 pm - True...so, True...

-Does this make sense...?

-Not really, why?

-Just wondering, how about this...?

-Just stop carving words in your arm and try to help me.

...You were never good at spelling anyway...

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Sunday, December 15th, 2002

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8:34 pm - ...Rest in peace, holiday spirit...

The holiday spirit saw what the world is today, then out of the blue,

...promptly died of shock...

People need to start killing themselves.

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1:25 am - ...I don't know, seriously...

There are too many cans in the trash wicker basket. My eyes seem to not be functioning correctly. When I look at the screen, there seems to be more words in the "Event" box then there should.

...My skin can't stop burning,

...my eyes can't stop drooping,

...and I can't stop dying.

Just ignore me, it'll all be ok in the morning.

...The pain always fades as time goes by...

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Thursday, December 12th, 2002

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10:25 pm

Today, the ground seemed more dangerous than usual.

current mood: stressed

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Monday, December 9th, 2002

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11:16 pm - Karma

If your theory is correct, I think I'll be paying through the nose for all the things I've done in the past.

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Wednesday, December 4th, 2002

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11:27 pm - ...?!?...

Hey, you know what? Fuck you, buddy!

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Thursday, November 28th, 2002

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2:18 am - ...the smell of death and flowers...

Why is it that feelings are so ordinary?

The same as just saying a word over and over until it looses meaning.

...Love...hate...sadness...

All just memories of a dulled expression. It is just all numbness now. Nothing seems to penetrate, and those things that do are just fleeting. They have no substance and deserve not to be recognized. But, I can't help but to dwell on the last, lingering bits of stability I have left. Just weathered memories, clouded in pain, and mutilated with thoughtlessness. I strive for peace, but I won't allow myself to have it. To cease this internal conflict would be too straining. It is easier to deal with the gnawing of oblivion inside, than try to exorcise it out.

I just have to live with being numb. Though, I haven't been able to do it yet.

...I have to find a way to silence them...

...Once and for all...

current mood: contemplative

current music: Coldplay-Amsterdam

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Monday, November 25th, 2002

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3:27 pm - ...More shit...

One bullet in this gun,

Not sure if its for you or me.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Tuesday, November 19th, 2002

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10:58 pm - ...123456789...

...Why must nothing make sense...?

...I don't know...

current mood: uncomfortable

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, November 17th, 2002

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11:10 pm - ...African Herbman...

Why is it that I always find myself sitting here staring at a blank screen. I can muse anymore. Talent used to flow onto this screen. People would say it was poetry. Just the ramblings of a wounded soul trying to get a grip on it's own sanity. I never had talent. I just had my depression. Even with that over me, it seems like I can't write like I used to. I can't dredge up joy from my despair, like I used to be able to do. I think I'm finally losing my grip, and it amuses me that I've come this far. Kind of a pity that it'll all just be an empty shell. No way to recall the life that was once behind its eyes. I'm sorry that I fell, even though everyone was watching.

...All I wanted was to die in solitude, but...it seems like my strength won't last that long...

"Mister? Can you tell me where my love has gone?"

current mood: dead

current music: Aneka-Japanese Boy

(comment on this)

Thursday, November 14th, 2002

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10:39 pm - Blah blah.

My train has lost its course...derailed by bandits and looted. The women raped and the men dead. Only the children remain.

Train of nothingness and angst...mostly angst...

Thursdays need to cease to exist.

I don't know why, I just don't like them. Nothing personal.

It just seems every horrible happens...everything that could go alright...just goes wrong.

I know I'm just reciting the same bullshit everyday...but I need to let this out...because it is the same everyday bullshit that made me crack in the first place. That and other things that are apparently, "Out of my control." I realize now that I'm rambling....but whose journal is this? Yours? Fuck you. If I'm not entertaining you, like you thought I would, you can just stop reading and go fuck yourself. I never asked for your opinion...and I never asked for your criticism either.

Symbolizism...I love it...it's so cute...and furry...

current mood: Cracked

current music: Mindless Self Indulgence-Bring the Pain

(comment on this)

Tuesday, November 12th, 2002

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10:15 pm - ...definition...

...I just found out the true, pure definition of the word hypocrite...

I don't think I was too surprised when I saw the face they put the definition to.

...Not surprised at all...

current mood: amused

current music: The Stranglers-Golden Brown

(comment on this)

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9:57 pm - ...Here we are to sing you a song...

Time to make a little entry for the day. Nothing really happened in it, but I know I would be able to figure something out. I needed major time to think, so guess what I did for 5 hours after school? I slept. Not the wisest of choices. But, I woke up to Rachel's voice when she called at 9. So, it helped me get out of my bed.

I'm not sure what I'm thinking anymore. I lie in bed, stare at the ceiling, and then nothing comes.

...It's just void...silence...

I never knew silence could be so loud.

current mood: curious

current music: Finch-Ender

(comment on this)

Monday, October 21st, 2002

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2:57p - ...Water, water, everywhere...

Today was normal so far. Today was good.

It's so hard trying to have a normal day, and I have way too much enjoyment watching "The Breakfast Club."

...It's difficult not to like in my opinion...

I ran into Sara and Stephen today. Everyone, that are reading this, doesn't know these people, but I'm going to talk about them anyway. Stephen, or Faramir, is engaged, which is strange, but I approve of the girl. So, it's ok that Faramir is going to get tied down in the near or far future. Sara is just Sara. I'm glad I got to see her smile today, it helped a lot.

...That's the begining of my normal day...

Now, time to take a nap so nothing else happens until work.

...I'm trying my best to have an angst-free day, and maybe, you'll be able to get more out of me than usual...

If you care, that is.

current mood: peaceful

current music: Down and Above-Jubba Trees

(comment on this)

10:37p - ...And then there was light...

I'm not sure what to think. Though my day was excellent, I doubt I'll be getting any sleep today.

...Aren't your dreams suppose to be safe ground...?

I imagine that you create your own reality in your dreams. Maybe, deep down, I don't want to forget you. Even though, I know I must. I need a way to move on and forget. It's sad that I can barely remember your smile, but I can never forget your face when it was about to burst with tears. I remember the way you would stroke my cheek to get me to try to sleep. I remember the way your hair smelled after you got out of the shower. I remember you crying, your scratchy voice, your whispers of, "I'm sorry."

...I'm sorry...

...I'm sorry...

...I'm sorry...

I'm sorry you thought that death was the only way out.

I'm sorry that I could never run fast enough to get there in time.

I'm sorry that the last thing you must of remembered was me, crying over you.

...and...

I'm sorry for not coming to you when I had the chance.

current mood: content

current music: Tapping the Vein-Butterfly

(comment on this)

Saturday, October 19th, 2002

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12:29a - ...Too much drug abuse...

...Too much blood...

...Too much screaming...

I shouldn't of dosed off. I left my defenses down for a couple of seconds to let her flood in and take over. I was woken and all I could see was what she wanted me to see. It was a wonder I made it to the car, but I think my feeling of numbness, when I woke, dulled the enfeebling effects of the scars she left with me. The music in the car helped kill the words but the crying was still there. All I could do was try to focus, think everything was alright, and try to control my actions. My hands felt coated in blood, her blood. My eyes felt like they were going to explode. I just stared, suppressing tears. I'm sorry I didn't talk. If I did, I would of probably burst. So, I waited, waited until the car stopped and heard, "Here we are (or something like it)." I stumbled out of the car and tried to wave. All I could to was grunt and I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. I'm sorry I can't talk to you about what bothers me...like this. I fumbled for the key to unlock my door. I thought that she would of brought me down in the drive-way. I managed to get into the house and then, I broke down. The darkness of the house was the finishing blow. All I could see was red and white. Her chopped up like a Virginia Ham, her tear-stained cheeks white with death, and her eyes still locked into mine. I heard my back hit the door and I slid down it, crying. I woke up when my father was trying to get to work. I think he was worried, but our family usually doesn't express that well. So, he gave me a pat on the side of my arm and I moved over to the couch and slept until work at 5. Dreamless sleep dulled the edge of the pain like always and I went through work with enough cheer to get by.

current mood: sleepy

current music: Coal Chamber-Dark Days

(comment on this)

12:52a - ...My dear Zoe...

She is one of the most intelligent (and eccentric) girls I know.

She loves Winnie the Pooh with a passion.

She thinks I'm a "funny guy."

She calls me "Dabid."

She likes mixing English with Chinese.

She'll be two in February.

She's my joy when I'm down.

She looks like a miniature, asian Mary Tyler Moore.

She's going to make it, after all.

Her giggles make me smile more than I thought I knew how.

She's my "niece" and I know I'll protect her more than life itself.

I'll pull myself through thick and thin to watch her grow up.

...Motivation for living can be found in the smallest of little girls...

current mood: alive

current music: Poison the Well- A Wish for Wings that Work

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8:21p - ...It was never meant to be...anything...

It is painful, but it has to be done. For the good of your sanity.

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She walks down a crowded street, there's no one there

She talks of a lonely boy without a care

She takes a breath as all the buildings start to look the same

the rain turns her thoughts down to grey

She pulls the covers over to hide emotions under

and wonders if I still feel the same

but I don't

I never knew that this would be so hard to believe

I'm only here and waiting, come back to me

She knows that her feelings are subject to change

She goes to a place where no one knows her name

She tries to paint a picture with a color,

then remembers: she gave it all up for a boy

She puts the pen to paper to write someone a letter

How's the weather?

I never knew that you would be so hard to leave

I'm only here and waiting, come back to me

I know you're running

I know the color of your voice

What you don't know

I'm only here to hurt you just as long as you stay

I never meant to love you, it just ended up that way

She moves on

current mood: stressed

current music: Down and Above-Paint a Picture

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10:38p - ...So many memories...

I promise this is going to be my last entry. 4 in one day is a bit much. Though, 2 were in the wee hours of the morning and the other two are about 8-10 hours from those previous two. I was rummaging through dusty memories and I found an old CD case she gave me. Filled with things like Tapping the Vein, The Mercy Cage, Mindless Self Indulgence, Haste, Black Paper Diary, and the like. She loved her music...I loved her.

...We were going to grow old together, so we could beat each other up at the nursing home...

How much can plans change in the slice of a razor blade?

...Time to make some ramen...

current mood: complacent

current music: Haste-The Absentee

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12:52p - ...Adventure...

I don't like the unpredictable. It makes my job a lot harder than it already is. Never try to read an unpredictable person, you'll only get obsessed with him/her. You try to figure out why they say certain things then do the inverse. It's mind boggling. It makes my head hurt.

I can't help my nature. I need to know 99% of all the situations' outcomes before I can step ahead. Its either a waiting game or someone pulls me along without my consent. The ladder usually happens more.

...I can't take risks anymore...

I need security or I'll just fall apart.

I think I'll do like Max, and go hug my bed.

current mood: cold

current music: Three Doors Down-When I'm Gone

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Wednesday, October 16th, 2002

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3:24p - ...Just here...

I'm just here today. I feel real. I'm not really aware though. My day hasn't been terrible or wonderful. I'm just alive. So, it must of been semi-alright. I don't have anything to say, but I'm just trying to write a normal entry. Just so I can prove to you and me that I'm a normal person, some of the time.

I can't help but feel like a corpse though.

And, I know my heart or my mind is going to be the death of me.

But, I think I'm prepared for it now.

current mood: lethargic

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9:44p - ...Chemistry...

Sitting outside I found something that made me happier of my disposition. Snow. Frosted tears from the heavens. Looking up at the sky and watching the flakes slowly drift down made me happier than I was in a while. After sitting on my step for nearly an hour, I walked inside to a lovely dog and a wonderful phone call from Rachel. The day was going much better than usual, until Tina got home.

...She essentially told me I was a cold, unfeeling bastard...

...She's right for the most part...

...I think I'm like snow...

current mood: horny

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Tuesday, October 15th, 2002

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3:09p - ...Just a little hint of insanity...

I keep on telling everyone, including myself, that I'm alright. Though, I just need to look at those entries I wrote yesterday. Within a 5 hour period, I went from an excellent mood to a horrible one.

In actuality, I know I'm not ok. I'm dead on the inside. I'm trapped and forced to watch my insides rot; watching my heart scar over.

Mental fortification is what I need now.

That...and sleep, which, I think I'll go snag Morpheus and dance with him before work.

I need time to remember how much damage I've already done, and to think about how I can prevent more damage in the future.

current mood: thoughtful

current music: At the Drive-In-One Armed Scissor

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9:54p - ...Perpetual Slumber...

Just to float in nothingness.

To be aware mentally, but not phsyically.

To dream blackness, and hear the bursting silence.

To feel nothing, but to be enveloped in warm void.

...I'm sorry I worry you...

...I'm sorry for not being able to heal...

...I'm sorry for being me...

current mood: blank

current music: Stone Sour-Bother

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Monday, October 14th, 2002

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4:35p - ...a new begining...

Note from the editor:

If you've stumbled upon this, it's most likely because I told you about it. But, if not, here I am, an old diaryland poster, making a live journal. My skills were abhorrent and my tone dull and despondent. I'll be the same in almost every aspect. If you like, you can see some of my earlier writings at..."ochlocracy.diaryland.com."

Today's entry:

I'm having too many sinking feelings today. I couldn't get my mind off her, and I know that I'm going to stumble through this blindly. I wouldn't call it love, but I sure would call in infatuation. I wouldn't give up the chance to be curled up next to her, in bed, all day. She knows that, I hope. If you don't, I'll always try to be that warm body, because you sure help me more than you think. I'm only trying to repay the favor, dear.

My heart is too heavy with a lot of things to be talking about this rational though. I pretty sure I'm just preparing to be hurt in the long-run, though I know that that notion would be the last thing in your mind to do. I need to lie back and think this through. I sure did that in school today. I don't know how to bring it up. If you're reading this, try to push me along. You know who you are.

This whole Livejournal thing is new to me, so, I'm going to start messing with it now, instead of later.

Since this is a beginning, I might as well give you the end to my previous diary. It's a quote:

"No, it was too much. The line between madness and masochism was already hazy; the time had come to pull back...to retire, hunker down, back off and "cop out,' as it were. Why not? In every gig like this, there comes a time to either cut your losses or consolidate your winnings--whichever fits."

current mood: contemplative

current music: Zemfira-Hochish

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7:53p - ...Thus, again, foot is being inserted into the mouth...

"Who wants to rise above these buildings tonight?

And who wants to rise above their chemistry tonight?"

...I really need to think before I speak...

Or maybe, I'll actually say something.

...I think a vow of silence is in order...

I feel like sinking.

current mood: indescribable

current music: Circulatory System-Inside Blasts

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10:47p - ...Too many mints...

The words flow like peanut butter out of my mouth. This can't be living, honestly. I fell asleep about 3 hours ago; I fell into darkness again. All these thoughts running through my head. I don't have the power to stop my mind from pushing my body over the edge. Sleep has no relief. I woke up and I was just as stressed. My only buffer tonight was your voice. How many times are you going to be there for me? I'm breaking down around me, I say, for the hundredth time. My system is just holding onto the routine of working. It has no reason to function anymore. It's just a wind-up toy slowly winding down; the slightly nudge will push it into a few seconds of life. I'm waiting for my self to burn out. Will you be there when the sight of my own skin makes me want to vomit?

...My stomach hurts...

current mood: numb

current music: Coldplay-Amsterdam

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If you made it this far...I'll commend you. You have my respect, and my graditude.

Keep on fighting the good fight.